Sharing a bed with your sleep partner is a big deal. You’re basically saying, “I want to be near you, even when I’m not conscious.” It’s sweet…unless that time is being ruined by your partner’s incessant snoring. Their sleep and overall health is suffering, and there’s a good chance yours is too. Asking your bed partner to have their sleep apnea checked out and treated can be a tricky conversation.  

Here are 5 common defensive responses you may hear from your partner as well as some facts that can help you better prepare for “the (sleep) talk.”

RESPONSE #1

“Who, me?”

Many people get defensive when they’re told they snore at night. It’s embarrassing and chances are they may have no idea they’re doing it (or that it’s that bad). Sleep apnea causes people to wake up repeatedly at night, but they don’t become conscious enough to remember it the next day. Their body wakes up just enough to get a gulp of air and, in a lot of cases, toss and turn which makes YOUR sleep more difficult. Really your significant other should defer to you on this point, since you’re the one being disturbed and kept awake by their snoring and gasping.

RESPONSE #2

“I’m too young / fit / quiet to have sleep apnea.”

While it’s true that factors like age and weight can make a person more likely to have sleep apnea, if your partner claims they “can’t possibly have it because… (insert a hundred) reasons!” they may be flat wrong . Tell them that tens of millions of people have sleep apnea, and the vast majority don’t even know it. In fact, a lot of people don’t share they have it, but chances are you know at least a couple of people who do. Even people who don’t noticeably snore can struggle to breathe at night.  

RESPONSE #3

“Let’s just buy a new mattress / pillow / etc.”  

It’s not uncommon for people to want to treat the symptoms of a condition instead of the root cause. Your partner may want to buy a new mattress or just use over the counter medications/herbal remedies. They may even want to set up a whole separate bedroom so the two of you can sleep separately in peace. The problem is none of that is helping them get the actual rest their body needs. Any money spent on symptoms is just being wasted because it’s not treating the cause (sleep apnea) itself.

RESPONSE #4

“I can’t wear that.”

The first thing many people think upon hearing that using a CPAP machine might be the solution, is that the cure is going to be worse than the disease. But there are two counters to this argument; First, different types of masks and machines are out there to fit any type of sleeper and, second, not everyone’s sleep apnea needs to be treated with a CPAP machine! This is how GEM is different, we have access to more than just CPAP treatment; such as oral appliance/mouth guard. We will work WITH YOU to find the best treatment option.

RESPONSE #5

“I’m just not getting enough sleep, that’s all.”  

Yes, it’s true that many adults don’t get that elusive 8 hours of sleep each night. But when it comes to sleep apnea, we’re talking about QUALITY of sleep not QUANTITY. Sure, your partner may think they’re getting 8 to 10 hours of sleep at night, but if their sleep cycle is being continuously broken by their struggle for air, they’re still going to feel tired no matter how many hours they add to that. Sleep apnea causes the body to work on overdrive meaning that they’re missing out on that deep, restful slumber that the body needs, so instead they’re going to be grumpy, distracted, and tired. Oh, and it can also significantly reduce their sex drive, which is yet another reason this is a problem for your relationship.

See why “the (sleep) talk” can be such a loaded conversation? One of the most important things to remember though is that the whole conversation is a sign that you care! You want them to feel better and live a healthier life. Diagnosing and then treating sleep apnea can make your relationship and lives together so much better.

Start the path to a better night’s sleep… for both of you!

‍